It’s been quite a while since I’ve allowed myself to spend some quality, undisturbed, time like this, to my writing, to interacting with this somehow somewhat sometimes scary scary blank page.

The events that occurred in the last couple of weeks, specially in the last couple of days, motivated me to do so though.

Even if, as per usual, I shall have no readers, no one interested in reading about the craziness of a strangely self aware mind… even so, I shall write those lines that I’ve been needing so much to write. At the very least, they should serve as amusement and inspiration to my future self.

I’ve been going through a lot of changes right now, I’m moving next month (October) from São Paulo to Porto Alegre to a new job. I’m leaving behind some incredible friends here, just like in my first big city change back in the time when I went to college in São Carlos.

Sincerely, I’m a bit afraid that the same issues I’ve had before shall fall upon me, the depression, the indescribable feeling of loneliness that I felt back then and almost drove me crazy (I mean, even more crazy). Besides, this is the first time I will be leaving behind my safe spot, my place alongside Marvin, with a kickass broadband connection. I’m really curious to see how this thing is going to turn out.

This is probably going to be one long long essay about me, myself and I – since there is so much stuff to be said about mentioned subjects.

The past 2 days, four individuals tried to convince me to start heavy drinking as some sort of an answer to my routine boredom. Unfortunately, I’m too much of a hopeless romantic who clings to his quintessential essence with such grasp that cannot be overcame. So, I’m keeping my inconvenient personality about staying sober like 100% of the time. This might be stubborn and boring, but that’s just how I roll.

Although some good actually came from a nice quality time spent with a friend that goes back 10 years… I’ve realized some stuff about the consequences of my choices, and the contrast that I’ve found myself on – in comparison – really opened my mind to lots of crazy ideas.

I’ve realized that most individuals around me (I mean, those who I really care about…) have changed a lot in the past 5 to 10 years (man, I feel really really old talking like this, even though I’m just 23), while me, well, I pretty much stayed the same… a cosinoid variance of weight, lots of hair lost and all, but, besides that, nothing much can be noticed. I’m still the same straight forward kid, with an overly analytical mind that tends to put everything through so much thought that it annoys everyone. I’m still crazy about pride and craftsmanship, I’m still finding philosophy even on stupid comedy romances. I’m still unable to do brainless small talk (I don’t give a damn about how your family, your kids, your friends are faring, I don’t give a damn about that current trendy TV program that everyone seems to be talking about) – this tends to be a really big issue most of the time. I even got scolded about it not so long ago by someone whose opinions I really value. But still, I can’t get myself to doing it, because I don’t really agree with such counter productive behaviour – it is like driving below the speed limit, or walking slowly, or gossiping about everyday boring life events.

I’m a efficiency focused guy, too much sometimes, but I can’t really help it. But, back on topic, since this friend have changed so much, and became so different to me, I could get a grasp on what exactly I am valuing and forfeiting in life because of my, let’s say, lifestyle choices. Toka Koka at its best. That made me feel sorry for some stuff that I’m leaving out of my life, but I understand you pretty much can’t cherry pick this stuff. So, doing a priority analysis, I’m pretty confident about what I should be doing lifestyle wise right now – and that felt absurdly good, which I don’t have words to thank enough (you know who you are).

[right now, I’m noticing that my unchanging self goes even further, I’m still listening to pretty much the same stuff (not just the same bands, but the same specific songs) from 10 years ago… that can say a lot about who/how I am – in case the heroic reader that got this far is curious, the current song I’m listening to is from Millencolin, entitled No Cigar – my current playlist has pretty much only returning champions like Anti Flag, Green Day, Nofx, Millencolin, Garbage and Bad Religion]

I’ve noticed how I tend to push away individuals I care about, specially when they are doing good, cause over analysing things usually brings nothing to the table in these blissed times. It makes me feel miserable and lonely sometimes, but it is better that way than troubling such nice individuals with my hopelessness.

So, since I’ve felt like over analysing stuff/myself and didn’t want to bother anyone nor keep wandering through my apartment talking to myself (which is what I usually do in these situations), I’ve decided to sit here and write whatever it was that I would end up mumbling to myself.

I’m hoping to be able to do this more often, specially amidst the stress that will inevitably be surrounding my move from my absurdly comfortable zone here, to something else. Specially when I’m even planning on making some lifestyle changes that cannot be done at any other time but now. Things will probably pile up pretty darn fast and out of control – so I will, most likely, be venting my frustration/excitement/curiousness here.

This was an unedited, raw, unstructured dump of my current thoughts…

See ya around Winking smile

MACSkeptic